


set my heart aflame, every part aflame, this is not a game

by playthetyrants



Category: Cow Chop, fakechop - Fandom
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Emotional Manipulation, Guilt, I'm Sorry, M/M, This is an AU, christmas gets ruined, emotionally abusive relationship, i don't want to tag too much, in case that wasn't clear, it's just a SAD AU, please let me live, sad fucking ending haha, someone is lying to someone, this hurt me to write but i still did it, yeah i used hamilton lyrics for the title please fight me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 17:10:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12775605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playthetyrants/pseuds/playthetyrants
Summary: “It’s alright, Aleks...just breathe for me…” he murmured into his ear, his lips making contact with his wet temple. Aleks merely whimpered in response, his forehead coming to rest limply against James’ neck. James just held him there for a moment, saying nothing as he felt Aleks’ arms slowly register what had happened and wrap themselves around James’ waist. The crying never stopped; James felt hot tears begin to mix with the cold shower water on his neck as Aleks sniffled into his skin.“I love you James...I love you, I love you, I love you…” he repeated over and over again, like some sort of mantra. “I do, James, I promise, please believe me…” James frowned again, running a hand through his blonde hair in response.“I know, I know you do...don’t worry…” he murmured, resting his chin against Aleks’ shoulder. “I believe you…”there's something wrong with aleks, and james can't quite put his finger on it, but we all know that the truth comes out eventually.





	set my heart aflame, every part aflame, this is not a game

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhhhh i never meant to write this but here we are? 11k words later????
> 
> this is literally the first time i've ever written something CowChop related and frankly it's a bit strange to me. good, but still strange.
> 
> angst is my go to genre, and i really did enjoy writing this. it was different and new and fun working with new characters and going out of my comfort zone. that being said, i am open to any and all criticisms for this. i encourage it, actually.
> 
> (also i'm sorry to anyone who's subbed to me that gets a notif when this is posted and is disappointed with it LOL)
> 
> the title is from hamilton's "Satisfied" because i listened to it a lot while writing this and i love being emo.

He supposes he can pinpoint where things started to get bad. 

If you asked him when he really, truly began to realize something was wrong, he’d have to say it was Aleks’ birthday.

James only remembers blurs and snippets, but that’s all he needs anyway. 

Loud music with bass that vibrated his ribcage.

Brown paper bags littered across the floor of his house like confetti.

The ever constant smell of liquor that still never failed to burn his nose despite how much he drank.

And the thing was, he hadn’t wanted to drink that much. He hadn’t planned on taking shot after shot and feeling his shirt grow damp from spilled drinks and sweat and he hadn’t planned on all of the people dancing around him and yelling over the music for his attention and he hadn’t planned on finding Aleks on the floor of their bathroom at 3:23 am exactly, covered in his own vomit and screaming out James’ name over and over again in such a strange and helpless way that he’d never heard before. 

Aleks was never one to get blackout wasted; sure, he liked to come close, but he was always still functional at the end of the night. He knew James hated it. Yet, as James stumbled into their shared bathroom upstairs, all of that had seemed to be forgotten.

The way Aleks had been shaking was enough to send James into tears he hadn’t known he had in him, hot and wet and probably full of all the alcohol that was in his system.  
He’d tried to speak, he really had. He doesn’t remember if actual words were coming out of his mouth, but even if they were Aleks was inconsolable. 

“James please, I want to leave. Please, let me go…” Go where? They were home. Where else would Aleks want to go to? 

James vaguely remembers lifting him up to lean against the cabinet, his own head swimming with alcohol and lifting Aleks’ stained shirt off of his bony frame, over his head and onto the floor. He watched his blonde head make contact with the wooden door behind him, letting out another loud cry of what James could only describe as anguish, as if he was being burned from the inside out.

“James, PLEASE!” He remembers that vividly, though.

He remembers Aleks’ voice cracking and his tears pouring down his cheeks like some sort of violent rainfall as they began to drip onto his chest, onto his tattoos and that’s when James realized something was really, really wrong. 

There was more clothing being removed, and Aleks’ grip on James’ neck as he somehow managed to carry him from their bathroom to the bedroom was something he’ll never forget.The way his fingernails dug into the skin on the back of his neck was absolutely terrifying, nothing like he’d felt before. Like Aleks was clinging on for dear life. Like he was afraid of letting go. 

When James laid him in their bed it looked like the comforter was going to swallow him whole. Aleks’ pale skin was almost translucent compared to their dark bedding, and his chest rose and fell steadily as he drunkenly stared at James in the dark, reaching his arm towards him limply. 

“Please, James…” he murmured, his cheeks still shiny with tears. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

Mad? He supposes that would be the normal emotion to be feeling, but with his head in the state it was and with Aleks’ perfect face staring back at him, it wasn’t anywhere to be found. 

“I’m not, Aleksandr, I promise you…” He thinks that Aleks tried to say something else, but James was already stumbling out of the door, suddenly anxious to get out of there and get everyone out of his house. It was already nearly 4 am, and most everyone had taken their Ubers home. He waited around semi patiently, eager to get back upstairs as he anxiously downed a bottle of water.

When James returned, he was really hoping Aleks was asleep. He pushed the door open slightly and peered around and was met with his boyfriend’s dazed face, staring intently at him. 

“James, come here...I need you, please…” His head was pounding and his stomach churned at Aleks’ pleading tone, slowly entering the room and shutting the door behind him.

“Did you...did you drink that water?” James gestured as best as he could towards the what he could now see as unopened bottle of water on Aleks’ side of the bed, voice faltering as he got his answer. 

Aleks didn’t react; his dark eyes were staring into James’ with such intensity that it made him even more nauseous. 

“I need you,” he repeated, his voice still slurred but now he had his arm raised again, reaching out weakly towards James and really, what the fuck was he supposed to do? James remembers holding onto the wall to kick off his shoes before slowly making his way over to the bed, stumbling a bit but managing to place his hands on the bed, steadying himself so he could climb in beside his boyfriend. 

“I’m here now…” he murmured, his head falling heavy against his pillow. Aleks dropped his hand immediately before turning his entire body towards James, leaning forward quickly. 

“C’mon, babe…” he mused, his hand moving to rest on the side of James’ face. “You haven’t given me my birthday present yet…” James frowned, turning his head slightly to face him as Aleks loomed in on him, dodging his lips. This sudden mood swing was unnerving, and he felt his fear elevate slightly. 

“Aleks, come on. We’re drunk, you’re sick, it’s too late for this…” James lifted his arm up to move Aleks’ hand away but missed, barely making contact as he felt Aleks continue to move beside him. 

“James, please...I just want to kiss you right now, please give me that…” The way Aleks’ hand was sliding down his neck, fingers slipping their way beneath his shirt collar in a sloppy attempt to tug it off sent a gross shiver down James’ spine and he sat up immediately, head spinning from the sudden movement.

“Aleks, stop. Come on.” He shoved Aleks’ arm away roughly, feeling him sway dangerously close to the edge of the bed. Aleks’ face furrowed to a deep frown, his eyes taking on a new look of hurt and disappointment that James wasn’t sure he’d seen on anyone before, let alone his boyfriend. 

“Why are you being like this?!” he snapped loudly, getting a jump from James before he began to push himself out of bed, kicking off the comforter that was wrapped around his legs as he stumbled to his feet. 

“Aleks, get back in bed…” James sighed wearily, watching as Aleks stalked drunkenly towards the bathroom. 

“Fuck off,” Aleks spat, not even bothering to turn his head towards him. “I don’t wanna fucking look at you.” James reached up and rubbed his palms into his eyes, hoping the sheer force would get rid of the nauseating pounding that was overwhelming his senses. He tried to recall any other time Aleks had given him whiplash from a mood change this badly before in his life, let alone drunk.

There was the all too familiar of their bathroom door being shoved open and James heard his boyfriend’s heavy footsteps make contact with the tile floor, sliding their way across in a way that made him cringe. He stood up again, a bit slower this time to avoid falling victim to dizziness again and sighed. 

“Aleksandr, come to bed. You can hate me all you want, I don’t care, just sleep for m-”

The sudden sound of running water interrupted his words. James frowned, stopping in place for a moment as the noise got louder, an odd sort of calmness filling the room. He recognized the all too familiar sound of their shower, and he moved towards the door.

“Aleks, what are you d-” The sound of something colliding with their tub sent James surging forward, making a beeline for the bathroom. His stomach lurched upon arrival, taking a good look at the scene in front of him. 

Aleks’ nearly naked body, legs stretched out in front of him and his head slumped downward, his chin resting on his tattooed chest as the steady shower of water soaked his head and hair directly beneath it. His pale hands rested limply on either side of the tile beneath him, fingers spread out in a way that insinuated he’d tried to catch himself but failed. It took approximately 7 seconds for James to actually do something and move from his spot in the doorway.

“Baby, are you okay?” It was getting harder and harder for him to speak now, although it wasn’t just side effects of the alcohol anymore. Aleks didn’t react to his words at all, instead staying completely still save for the slow movement of his chest, bobbing his head up and down slightly as he breathed. James managed to kneel down on the rug beside the shower, reaching over to turn the water off before a hand reached out and grabbed his arm violently, yanking it down in one swift movement. 

“Leave me ALONE!” he spat loudly, half heartedly attempting to shove James out of the way before dropping his head back down, his breathing labored. James managed to catch himself on the edge of the shower, getting more and more frustrated by the minute. 

“Aleks, please! You can’t sit in here like this, you need to go to bed and sleep this shit off!” Aleks shook his head violently in response, his eyes closed as he pulled his knees up. 

“Fuck you! You don’t want to touch me, you told me that! I’m too dirty for you, I’m just trying to clean myself off! Maybe then you’ll let me touch you!” James blanched at that, immediately freezing up and staring at Aleks’ huddled figure, frowning. What was with the sudden fucking paranoia now?

“No...no no no, Aleks, you’re not dirty, I love you, you’re just drunk and I can’t...we can’t…” His brain seemed to have shut down at the sound of Aleks’ screaming, thought processes slowing down and words not making it to his lips. 

Nothing in the world, however, not even all of the time in the world could’ve prepared James for the sob that escaped his boyfriend’s mouth then. It was the sort of noise that instantly took your breath away, like a bad blow to the chest in a violent fight, or the sudden darkness that takes over when a lightbulb goes out. It was like a thousand needles pricking him all at once, overwhelming him in a sickening feeling that was not at all like the nausea from the alcohol. 

Before he could react, Aleks’ back was shaking, trembling with the silent cries that enveloped his body, his face immediately going into his knees. James remembers feeling like an idiot, staring blankly at his boyfriend as the water continued to pour down on him, unable to do anything. 

He remembers thinking to himself; there’s something definitely wrong with Aleks.

It took him another minute or so, but James found himself slipping his arms around Aleks’ drenched body, grateful when Aleks did nothing to fight him off, and gently pulled him off of the floor and out of the shower. He found himself leaning against one of the cabinets behind him, pulling his boyfriend directly into his lap, cold, wet skin making contact with his clothing as he wrapped his arms around him. 

“It’s alright, Aleks...just breathe for me…” he murmured into his ear, his lips making contact with his wet temple. Aleks merely whimpered in response, his forehead coming to rest limply against James’ neck. James just held him there for a moment, saying nothing as he felt Aleks’ arms slowly register what had happened and wrap themselves around James’ waist. The crying never stopped; James felt hot tears begin to mix with the cold shower water on his neck as Aleks sniffled into his skin. 

“I love you James...I love you, I love you, I love you…” he repeated over and over again, like some sort of mantra. “I do, James, I promise, please believe me…” James frowned again, running a hand through his blonde hair in response. 

“I know, I know you do...don’t worry…” he murmured, resting his chin against Aleks’ shoulder. “I believe you…” 

It was blurry after that. He vaguely remembers his legs going numb as Aleks fell asleep in his arms, finally succumbing to the booze. His soft breathing failed to stop the panic from rising in James’ stomach, though, and he found himself leaned against the cabinet all night long, too afraid to move him in fear of waking him up. He ran his tanned fingers along Aleks’ back as it dried, occasionally tracing some of his tattoos until sunlight began to spill from the window on the wall above them. James’ headache never faded. 

He supposes he must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because he remembers jumping awake as Aleks stirred in his lap and his head making contact with the wood behind him, groaning in pain before he felt the weight on his legs shift, opening his eyes to see Aleks staring at him with a sleepy sort of smile on his face.

“I’m sorry, but that was funny,” he mused, reaching around James’ head to touch at the spot he had just hit delicately. James squinted a bit, placing his hands on the floor on either side of himself to sit up, watching as Aleks ran his hands through his hair, glancing around the room as he sat on the floor. 

“Did we really fall asleep on the bathroom floor last night?” he asked amusedly, rubbing at one of his eyes and still smiling. James stared at him for a moment more before clearing his throat a bit, pulling his hands into his lap. 

“Yeah...Aleks, you got really, really wasted last night.” He swallowed a bit as Aleks cocked his head to the side, looking at him oddly. 

“Well, yeah. It was my birthday. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Why do you sound so surprised?” James opened and closed his mouth in response, watching Aleks pull himself up to stand, fixing his boxer briefs as he did. James stared at the floor for a moment, frown deepening before he tilted his head up, glancing as Aleks leaned over the sink, splashing water on his face. 

“Do you remember anything from last night?” Aleks turned the faucet off and reached for a towel on James’ side of the vanity, rubbing it across his face roughly before meeting his eyes again. 

“Uh...I remember the beginning, with the cake fight. You got pissed because I got frosting in your hair.” James didn’t react to Aleks’ amused smile, not saying a word as he continued. “And I remember Brett showing up with the Hennessy, and then somehow we ended up in the kitchen taking shots?” He shrugged a bit, dropping the towel back into the sink. “After that, not much. I’m assuming we both just ended up in here and passed out on the floor.” James reached up and rubbed his temples with his palms, sighing softly before Aleks leaned down a bit. “Hey, are you alright? Hang on, let me get us some water…” James felt his fingertips make contact with one of his hands before he heard footsteps exit the room, and a deafening silence take its place. 

He didn’t remember anything.

That, or he was selectively choosing to ignore it.  
Either way, it wasn’t good. 

At this point his headache was nearly unbearable, but he somehow managed to get himself off the floor and into the bedroom before Aleks came back upstairs. He watched James sit down on the edge of the bed before walking over and holding out a water bottle. 

“I didn’t get to thank you last night for the party. I loved it.” James eyed him carefully as he took the bottle from his hands, twisting the cap off and taking a long drink, enjoying the way it tasted in his dry mouth. 

“Don’t mention it…” he murmured, dropping the bottle back into his lap and closing it as Aleks moved forward, slipping his knee in between James’ legs to push them apart. 

“No, really. Thank you.” James tilted his head up at that, watching silently as he felt Aleks’ arms slide over his shoulders and behind his neck, closing up the space in between them. James held back another sigh, instead letting Aleks’ lips make contact with the top of his hair. He rested his forehead against his boyfriend’s collarbone, letting Aleks fidget with his messy bun for a moment before he pulled away, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in his stomach as Aleks smiled at him. 

“I’m starving, let’s go eat and then we can go back to sleep for awhile, this time in our actual bed.” James was incapable of doing anything else with his face but frown, but Aleks didn’t seem to notice. He dropped his arms from around James’ neck and turned around, searching around the room for a pair of sweatpants before slipping them on and walking around, stretching his arms and yawning as he did. 

Yeah, he supposes that was the start of it all. 

When they fell back asleep later that morning, it was as if the previous night had never happened. Like Aleks hadn’t cried so hard that James thought he was dying. Like he hadn’t been lying on the cold tile floor in his own vomit. 

No, it was fine. Aleks’ arms were in their same spot around his waist and his face was buried in the same spot on his back, right between his shoulders, like always. 

It was fine. 

For a couple months, at least.

And really, maybe James hadn’t been noticing things. 

It was small at first, so small that it didn’t seem out of the ordinary.

Aleks was on this sort of cooking binge; it lasted a good while, and James was very grateful. With work drowning him up to his neck ever since the move to LA six months prior, it was nice to come home to food waiting for him. 

It was sweet and cheesy and everything James hated, yet when Aleks was the one to set up a stupid dinner table for the two of them after he came home aching with stress and anxiety...well, then suddenly it wasn’t so stupid after all. 

He’d never admit it out loud, but all it took was that smile to melt him. Him and his stupid dimples and cheeks and crinkling eyes were all it took for James to forget all the bullshit he’d faced that day. Dinner with Aleks was wonderful, it was routine.

But, so was the drinking. 

It was a glass of wine once a night at first. A week later, two. 

A month later, Aleks didn’t even bother using a glass. 

And a few weeks after that, he graduated to Jack Daniel’s. 

He came home one particular evening in late October, right before Halloween, and was instantly greeted with the overwhelming smell of something burning. He threw his keys down on the entry table before making a beeline for the kitchen, nearly tripping over Ein and Mishka in the process.

“Aleks?!” The kitchen was empty, save for a pan of God knows what burning on the stove, filling the room with smoke. James quickly turned it off and all but threw it into the sink, immediately turning on the water to alleviate it. 

Mishka and Ein immediately flocked to his legs, nudging at his body for attention as soon as they deemed it safe to come in again. He somehow managed to get the smoke to dissipate, glancing at the charred ruins of whatever Aleks had been cooking before he’d vanished. James lifted his head again, frowning. 

“Aleks? Where’d you go?” He took a step forward, reaching down to scratch the dogs’ heads briefly before stepping out towards the living room. “Are you okay? You left the food on the stove…” The eerie silence that answered him was enough to flip his stomach, and sent his heart pounding against his ribcage. He had the same weird feeling that had plagued him at Aleks’ party.

He crossed the living room quickly, trying his best to ignore the glasses that had been accumulating there for the past 3 days and got to the stairs, immediately running up them with the dogs right on his heels. 

“Aleksandr, answer me!” His voice had taken on a tone of panic and he knew it, turning the corner and pushing open their bedroom door.  
Nothing. 

James felt nauseous, dark eyes flickering over the room as if it would give him a clue as to where his boyfriend was. He shoved the bathroom door open to find it empty as well, feeling bile rising in his throat. He could feel sweat begin to accumulate on his palms, his vision tunneling slightly as he stumbled out of the room, blood rushing through his ears.

“ALEKS!” Silence, then a loud banging noise from downstairs. 

From the backyard. 

James all but threw himself down the stairs to get back to the first floor, taking steps 3 at a time down the spiral staircase before he rushed across the living room and threw open the French doors, greeted with a gust of warm California air. The only light was coming from the living room windows, and James scrambled to flip the switch outside, illuminating the rest of the yard. 

The patio furniture was (mostly) intact, save for a few stray cushions littering the stone floor and one of the chairs turned on it’s side, near the edge and by the grass. 

James scanned the outer rim of the pool, his heart jumping into his throat when he realized Aleks wasn’t near it. He quickly ran to the edge, glancing in and letting out a sigh of relief when the water greeted him empty. He shot his head up again and began to survey the dark yard around him, clenching and unclenching his hands nervously at his side. 

“Aleks…” he called out again, his voice infinitely lower and shakier than it was before. Another long moment of silence, followed by a sudden coughing noise, coming from his far left. James turned and squinted in the dark for a moment, eyes darting across the dark night before he saw Mishka bolt across the yard, barking loudly. Ein took another second before she followed, as if waiting for her dad to make a move, but James was frozen on the spot.

He watched Aleks’ pale arm stretch out above him from his position on the grass, sprawled out on the green like he’d just woken up from a nap. Another coughing fit, and James watched Aleks somehow push himself to sit up, one hand clamped around the neck of a whiskey bottle, swinging it messily around towards his lap as he caught sight of James, smiling drunkenly. 

“James!” He hiccuped once, his whole body jerking with the movement before he tilted his head to the side, gazing at him from across the yard. “I heard you yelling!” 

It took all it had in him for James not to stalk across the yard and wring his pale fucking neck.

He managed to keep it together long enough to make his way across the damp grass, refusing to budge any sort of smile in regards to Aleks’ dopey, blissed out face. 

“Come on, you’re going to bed,” he stated lowly, reaching down to grab his extended arm and yank him up (probably a little too harshly) to his feet.

Aleks gave a little whine of protest but followed suit regardless, stumbling forward and digging his nails into James’ shoulder to steady himself. 

“‘M not tired, James…” He hiccuped again, looking down as they began to walk, holding his nearly empty bottle sideways. “Do you think Mishka wants a drink?” he asked to no one in particular, tipping the dark liquid towards the animal, still following his every move. 

James gritted his teeth and reached around, grabbing the container from his hand and slamming it down on the patio table. “Aleks, stop being a fucking idiot,” he growled, pulling him through the French doors and slamming them behind him. He hadn’t gotten mad last time this had happen, nor had he said a word since Aleks had started freely drinking every goddamn night. He wasn’t in the mood for this at all. 

The loud noise got a jolt from Aleks, his arm still wrapped around James’ shoulders. James pulled him over to the couch, depositing him down on the cushions before standing up in front of him, still frowning and scanning his face carefully, unable to read it through the mask of alcohol that was currently clouding it. 

“What are you doing?” he asked simply, watching as Aleks dodged his eyes, glancing up at nothing in particular. It was then that James finally got a good look at him; bare feet, sweatpants and one of James’s old shirts that was too big for him, one that slipped off his left shoulder and exposed his tattooed collarbone and pale skin. He looked...well, sick. James idly wondered for a moment if he’d looked like this for long or if it just happened. A pang of guilt hit him right in the stomach, sobering up the rage a bit. 

Aleks turned his head back to meet his eyes, staring him down in only the way Aleksandr Marchant could fucking do. James felt as if he shrunk down 10 sizes in that moment, his cheeks flushing red before Aleks finally spoke. 

“I was making you dinner,” he murmured slowly, as if carefully choosing his words. “And just having a drink while I did. I heard something outside…” He gestured sloppily towards the backyard, his slur worsening as he continued. “..and I went to go look at it.” He stared pitifully at James, his hands sitting limply in his lap. 

“You nearly set the kitchen on fire,” James replied back in a biting tone, getting a flinch out of Aleks. “Do you understand that? Our fucking house could’ve burnt down. Had I gotten stuck in traffic a few minutes longer than usual, I could’ve come home to that.” 

Aleks inhaled slowly through his nose, still giving James that miserable look. “I didn’t mean to...I went out, and I fell over, and I couldn’t…” He shook his head quickly, groaning loudly and raising his palms up to press them against his eyes, sniffling. “James, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me, please…” 

God dammit. Not again.

James rubbed his eyes wearily, listening as Aleks sniffled again, watching him drop his hands from his face. He reached out for James’ waist, tugging him towards the ground by his belt loops. 

“James, please…” he whimpered, still weakly attempting to pull him to his level. James found himself obliging for some God forsaken reason, getting on his knees in front of Aleks, their faces only inches apart. 

It was like the most intense staring game James had ever been a part of. He swears Aleks didn’t blink once, his brown eyes full of tears as he snaked his hands up to rest on either side of James’ face, running his thumbs delicately across his cheeks and towards his lips. 

“I love you, James. You know that, right? Please tell me you know that.” The way he was saying it sounded broken and hazy, like a record being played at a slowed rate. It didn’t sound the same; sounded like the whiskey talking.

Still, James nodded in response, letting Aleks’ hands explore his face and neck as he sat there on his knees. 

“Yes, I know,” he murmured in response, holding back a sigh as Aleks leaned forward, closing in what little space they had left in between them.

“Prove it to me.” James tilted his head down and closed his eyes, finally sighing against his chest. 

“Aleks, come on. That’s dumb, I don’t need to p-” 

Aleks’ mouth was on his before he could finish his sentence, messy and chaotic and not Aleks at all. He kissed him like he was drowning, refusing to come up for air as he slipped his arms around James’ neck and trapped him in. 

“Kiss me, baby...come on, please…” He spoke into his mouth like the words were going to convince him, that somehow he had this power over James that would will him to do whatever he wanted him too.

Which...yeah. James guesses he sort of did. He could already feel his icy demeanor melting away. 

The fear of seeing Aleks potentially bursting into tears that were even remotely similar to what he’d seen on his birthday night was enough to convince James to kiss him back, his large hands sliding their way down his boyfriend’s back and to his waist. Aleks immediately slid off the couch and onto the floor, wasting no time in getting closer and the entire time James could only focus on the way his mouth tasted. 

Nothing like regular Aleks.

Nothing like the cinnamon flavored gum and faint lingering of an energy drink on his tongue. 

He tasted like fear, tasted like the last bit of diluted poison at the bottom of a cup.

Nothing like Aleks. 

He felt like he was suffocating, and it didn’t take long for him to begin to pull away, tilting his head slightly to break their lips apart. 

“Aleks...Aleks, please…” He loosened his grip as Aleks ignored him, moving his lips down his chin and to his neck, still pressing messy kisses to his skin. 

“I love you, baby...James, I love you so much…” James felt his cold hands begin to find their way beneath his shirt and he shivered slightly, letting go of his waist to reach down and pull them away.

“Aleks, listen to me...you need to stop this…” Aleks huffed in protest, childishly yanking his hands away from James’ grip weakly before he flopped back against the couch behind him, frowning deeply and staring at James with knitted brows. 

“Stop what? Loving you? I can’t.” James shook his head, sighing a bit.

“No, not that...the drinking. You need to stop it. You don’t seem to realize how bad it’s getting.” Aleks continued to stare at him in that weird sort of way that made James’ skin crawl. His eyes were glassy and unfocused, yet it felt like a piece of his very soul was lying there, bare and exposed for Aleks to take ahold of.

For a moment, James wasn’t sure if he’d even heard him. In an attempt for a reaction, he found himself reaching up towards his face, fingers hovering hesitantly over his cheek before making contact with his skin. Aleks inhaled sharply, closing his eyes and scrunching his face up before tilting his head down towards his chest. James felt a hot tear make contact with his fingertip and his chest felt like it was being ripped in half.

Before he could even open his mouth Aleks was nodding rapidly, his head bobbing up and down against his chest as he sniffled loudly.

“Yes...God, yeah I will…” he choked out, bringing his arm up to wipe his nose on his sleeve. James let out a sigh of relief, dropping his hand and running his hands gently down Aleks’ sides to rest on his waist again as Aleks kept crying.

“I’m so sorry, James...I didn’t mean to make you mad, I promise you…” James shook his head slowly, sliding his hands beneath his thighs to lift him off the carpet slightly and pull him forward towards his lap. 

“Shh...it’s okay, I promise…” Aleks’ head immediately went to his chest, climbing clumsily into his lap like a child before sliding his arms around James’ neck, crying into the top of his shoulder. 

“I didn’t mean it, it just happened, I swear, James...I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t resist…” James felt his frown deepen at that, momentarily pausing from rubbing Aleks’ back before tilting his head slightly, his nose brushing against his side profile. 

“I know…” he responded tentatively, reaching up to push the fallen hair that was covering Aleks’ eyes. They were still closed, wet tears spilling out of them as he rested his cheek on James’ shoulder, looking absolutely pitiful and broken. For some reason, in that moment, James didn’t think he’d ever felt sadder in his life. 

James managed to scoop Aleks up off the floor, feeling his legs weakly wrap themselves around his waist as he ventured upstairs. Aleks had stopped responding completely, and from the shallow breathing against his neck James could only assume he’d finally passed out. He pushed their bedroom door open with his foot, slowly making his way through the pitch black room to lay him down on the bed gently. Ein and Mishka followed on his heels, eagerly jumping into the bed as soon as Aleks was there, taking their usual spots at the end of the mattress. James rubbed at his eyes wearily, wondering idly if the bed in one of the guest rooms had sheets on it or not before he felt a weak grip at his wrist, getting his attention.

“Please stay…” Aleks’ voice was barely above a whisper, broken and shaky and slurred and very much not like Aleksandr at all. James swallowed thickly, staring at his pale hand in the darkness for a moment before stepping out of his shoes, kicking them to the side before following his directions. 

Aleks immediately snaked his arms around his waist, curling into his chest like it was made specifically for him. James stayed silent, his hand absently reaching up to run his fingers through his blonde hair as Aleks sighed into his shirt. 

“I love you so much…” he murmured softly, and James felt his chest tighten again. 

“I love you too…” was all he could get out before his voice cracked, clearing his throat in a hasty attempt to mask it. Aleks didn’t seem to notice; frankly, James was pretty sure he was passed out before he’d even finished speaking. 

He remembers that night being rough because, for some reason, he couldn’t shake the weird feeling that rested in the pit of his stomach like a pile of rocks. Aleks had still failed to tell him why he’d even started in the first place, and James racked his brains to try and remember something he might’ve done to cause it, to no avail. But at the end of the day, words were just words. Anyone could say anything, and as much as he loved Aleks, he wasn’t sure he’d meant he’d stop. 

They were playing a dangerous game, and James just didn’t want to get burned in the process. 

Amazingly, though, Aleks did stop.

The drinking at dinner stopped, the bar trips stopped. He tried to hide how difficult it was at first, but James had always been good at reading him. Despite his pale face and sickly demeanor the first couple of weeks, he still kept a smile on his face and stayed true to his word. All for him. All for James. 

November came and went; Thanksgiving was actually enjoyable this year. December was even quicker.

And then Christmas came. 

Christmas in Los Angeles was a bit of a culture shock to both of them, seeing as they’d been spending it together in Colorado for so long. The weather wasn’t hot, but the lack of snow and freezing temperatures was something neither of them were used to. 

Nevertheless, Aleks had still taken the time to put up gaudy decorations around the house, much to James’ silent delight. He was finally looking like himself again, messy hair with his brown roots growing out and that crinkled smile that James adored so much. 

Christmas Eve was spent in bed, watching stupid holiday movies and eating the overwhelming abundance of food that they’d both made for the hell of it, and they ended up staying awake until midnight to watch the date change on their phones. 

“Wait for it...wait…” James snorted at Aleks’ voice, knocking his phone from his hand onto the mattress as Aleks gave a whine of protest, shoving him sideways before emerging from their cocoon of blankets to grab for it blindly. “You bitch! I was trying to make a MOMENT!” 

Ein and Mishka, apparently annoyed with the sudden movement, quickly leapt off the bed and wandered out, getting another giggle from James. “Look what you did! Even our fucking dogs are sick of you!” Aleks ignored him and held up his phone, gasping in dramatic shock. 

“Midnight! Merry Christmas, idiot!” James opened his mouth to make a smart comment but was cut off by Aleks’ body colliding with his, tackling him back down against the pillows. 

James let out a dramatic groan, flopping back onto the mattress in mock defeat as Aleks peppered his face with kisses. “Please, Aleksandr...you’ve wounded me…” Aleks smirked and pushed himself up slightly, sitting down to rest on James’ pelvis with his knees on either side of his waist as he looked down at him. 

“Shut up, idiot,” he teased, tilting his head to the side slightly, still watching him with careful eyes. “Here’s the thing; your Christmas present has multiple parts to it.”

James raised an eyebrow at him, spreading his arms on either side of him on the mattress. 

“Is that so?” James bit back a smile as Aleks shushed him loudly, bringing down his hand and clamping his hand over his mouth. 

“Let me finish,” Aleks continued, watching him for a moment before lifting his hand away. “What I was going to say...is that since it’s technically Christmas now…” James shivered a bit at the sudden touch of Aleks’ cold hands against his warm skin, the cool air from the bedroom breezing across his stomach as his shirt was hitched up slightly. “...I could give you the first part of it now.”

James shifted a bit beneath his weight, wiggling his hips slightly in a sort of desperate attempt to stop himself from shivering again. “Aleksandr, are you asking me to have sex with you?” 

Aleks made a face, scrunching it up in mock disgust. “Asking? No no, I’m GIVING you sex. Actually, gifting it. It’s a present.” James smirked again, giving a small laugh. 

“You’re flattering yourself.” Aleks raised an eyebrow, scanning his face for a moment smugly before placing his hands on James’ chest and sliding off his waist. James craned his neck up slightly, watching in slight confusion as Aleks slid back towards his legs and grabbed their comforter, yanking it over his head and disappearing. “Aleks, wh-”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence; the only thing he could focus on was the sudden feeling of hot breathing against his lower torso. James stiffened up immediately, feeling Aleks’ fingers begin to slip their way beneath the waistband of his sweatpants. “Aleksandr-” A sudden gasp interrupted him once again, the swift motion of his boxers and sweatpants being yanked down in one swift motion. 

“Are you gonna let me give you your present?” Aleks’ voice had dropped an entire octave, and James could feel his heart pounding in every part of his body now. He threw his head back against the pillow weakly in defeat, gazing up at the ceiling with wide eyes. He was silent for a moment, focusing on Aleks’ heavy breathing against his skin. 

“Yes…” he murmured breathily, letting his eyes fall shut. There was another beat, and then another noise escaped his mouth, this time a strangled sort of moan.

“Yes, what?”

James groaned again, arching his back slightly and bucking his hips forward. 

“Yes, sir.” 

The next morning came too quickly for James. The surprisingly bright California sunlight was flooding through the bedroom window and onto the bed at an ungodly hour. The moment it hit his face he woke up, squinting immediately and holding his hand up to cover his face. 

“Fucking hell…” he murmured, rolling over onto his side opposite of the window. He buried his face into his pillow, grabbing a handful of the comforter and sheets that were wrapped around his naked body and pulling them up over his shoulders. He stretched his leg out slowly behind him, attempting to make contact with Aleks’ sleeping body but his foot merely reached the edge of the mattress. He frowned a bit, opening his eyes before lifting and turning his head behind him. 

“Aleks?” The bed was cold and empty beside him, his pillow slightly smushed from where his head had been resting. James sat up quickly, his head spinning a bit as he gazed around the room. “Aleks?” He saw his own clothes on the floor next to the bed, in the exact same spot where they’d thrown them last night. Aleks’, however, weren’t anywhere to be found.

James threw off his covers quickly, shivering slightly from the cold air before leaning down to grab his clothes, throwing his boxers and pants on quickly before rushing towards the bathroom pushing it open. 

“Aleks?! Where are you?!” He threw his shirt on over his head, checking the bathroom to no avail before running out of the room completely, into the hallway and over towards the balcony overlooking the first floor. He didn’t particularly enjoy this instant panic mode that took over his body every time he woke up and his boyfriend was missing. “Aleksandr, answer me!”

There was the loud sound of a chair being pushed across the floor in the kitchen below him, followed by a beat and Aleks’ coughing. 

“I’m down here!” he called back loudly, and James frowned, turning slightly to run down the stairs quickly. He reached the kitchen and all but skidded around the doorway, finding Aleks struggling to sit down in one of their barstools near the counter, turning his head slightly to face him as he did. He had his sweatpants on again but no shirt, his tattoos brilliant and vibrant against his torso and arms, smiling happily at him. “Good morning, sleepy.” 

James’ heart sank as soon as he opened his mouth, listening to the way his words slurred together slightly. He felt himself tense up slightly, his arms rigid at his sides as Aleks moved his arm behind him in shitty attempt at being sneaky. His hand made contact with a bottle behind his back and out of James’ sight, tilting his head to the side slightly. 

“What’s the matter?” 

Oh, the goddamn nerve of him. 

James leaned against the doorway with his left shoulder, folding his arms across his chest before staring him down. “Really, Aleks? You really wanna fucking ask me that?” 

Aleks blinked slowly at him, straightening his head and meeting his gaze, one arm dangling beside his body and the other one still on the counter. James saw him move his fingers slowly, clenching and unclenching his hand in the exactly same way he did when he was nervous. “Are you gonna say something or not?” James could feel his cheeks heating up with rage, digging his fingernails into his biceps in order to see through the red blinding his vision. It was unbelievable, really.

“You were so close, Aleks, so goddamn close. You were better, you weren’t drinking and everything was FINE.” Aleks visibly flinched at his loud voice but James suddenly couldn’t find it in him to care. 

“James, please…” James shook his head quickly, dropping his arms from his chest. 

“No. You don’t get to do that anymore. I’m gonna do the fucking talking, do you understand me?!” Aleks was rigid as stone now, clenching onto the counter with his hand so hard that his knuckles were white. His eyes were averted downward, staring at a spot on the floor between James’ feet as everything came pouring out.

“We were fine last night. We’ve been fine for the past 2 months, why would you fuck it all up now?” James’ voice had taken a deeper tone that was surprising even to him, low and violent disgusting and ANGRY. He closed in on Aleks, standing in front of him and spinning the stool, placing his arms on either side of the cabinet and caging him in. “Aleks, I want an answer!” 

Aleks shook his head violently, reaching up to push James away but James was always a step ahead, grabbing ahold of his wrists and looming in on his face. “I deserve a fucking answer,” he growled lowly, trying his best to ignore the way Aleks’ hands were shaking. And he did; he hadn’t gotten any sort of explanation thus far, and it seemed to be a cycle that was happening over and over again. Aleks’ now mostly brunette hair was messy and slightly sweaty from the alcohol, falling across his forehead and hiding his lowered eyes. 

James watched him swallow thickly, still refusing to speak up. He sighed loudly, throwing his hands back down with an exasperated groan, bringing his own hands to his eyes and rubbing them vigorously, trying to calm himself down. There was a tense sort of silence that filled the room then, Aleks still staring at the ground, before James turned around swiftly. 

“Come on. I’m getting you to talk, one way or another.” Aleks’ eyes widened slightly, sitting up in his chair as James reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him up. He turned and made a beeline straight for the staircase, tugging Aleks along as he drunkenly stumbled behind him. 

“James? James, come on…” Aleks’ voice was pleading and weak and slurred and BROKEN, and James just didn’t care. He took the stairs two at a time, feeling Aleks trip over his feet behind him as he clamped onto James’ hand for support. James pushed their bedroom door open and went straight to the bathroom, dropping Aleks’ arm like it was burning him. Aleks rubbed at the spot, still struggling to stand up straight as he leaned against the counter. 

James ran a finger through his hair briefly, resisting the urge to pull out his own hair before he turned towards the shower, reaching in and turning the faucet. A steady stream of ice cold water began to fall onto the tile below, filling the otherwise silent room with gentle dripping. If he wasn’t sober enough to talk now, he sure as hell would be in a few minutes. Aleks lifted his head up, confusion clouding his drunken face for a moment. James turned back to face him, meeting his gaze and nodding his head towards the shower.

“Get in.”

“What?” Aleks’ brow furrowed, staring at him with a frown. “N-no, I’m not getting in t-”

“Aleks, goddammit, get in the fucking shower.” Aleks blinked rapidly, the tears that James had expected much earlier finally starting to fill his eyes as he merely stared back at him, mouth slightly agape. James gritted his teeth and leaned forward, grabbing his arm and yanking him forward, pulling him in and under the water in one swift move.  
Aleks gave out a panicked sort of scream, coughing loudly as the water hit his face and went into his mouth. James followed him in, closing the glass door behind them as he pushed Aleks against the tile wall, getting equally as drenched beneath the water. 

“Just tell me why, Aleks! That’s all I want! What did I fucking do wrong?! What did I do to drive you to do this to yourself?!” Desperation had finally caught up with him. He was sick of being in the dark, sick of not knowing what was going on side of that beautiful fucking mind of his that drove him to keep drinking. Aleks was full on crying now, his tears mixing with the water running down his cheeks as his hair began to stick to his face. 

“James…” he whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut as he weakly tried to push James away to no avail. James’ large hands pressed against the tile on either side of his face and closed in the space even further. 

“What did I do?! God, please just fucking tell me Aleks, please! I don’t ever want to do it again, whatever it was!” James’ voice visibly cracked, loud and echoing amongst the tiles and steady shower stream. Aleks’ head shot up at that, his tattooed chest rising and falling rapidly with each breath he took. James moved his hands and placed them heavily on either side of Aleks’ wet face, running his thumbs over his cheeks as he felt his chest ache, ache like his heart was being pulled slowly from his body, little by little, just to torture him a bit more. 

“I love you, I do, but please, please let me help you…” Aleks stared at him, his eyes glassy and tear filled, water droplets hanging from his long eyelashes. James squeezed his cheeks gently, as if trying to get a reaction out of him. “Al-”

James stumbled back, nearly slipping on the wet tile as Aleks suddenly shoved him forward, letting out a strangled sort of sob. He lurched forward and made an attempt to grab the shower door handle but James beat him to it, blocking his exit completely.

“Let me out, James, I don’t want to be in here…”

“Why can’t you just tell me what I did?!”

“You didn’t do anything! You never do anything wrong!”

James shook his head quickly, still holding tightly onto the handle.

“That’s not an answer, Aleks, tell me what I can do…”

“You can’t do anything! Do you understand that?!”

His voice was getting louder with each statement, and James clenched his teeth together, inhaling deeply.

"Aleksa-"

“I CHEATED ON YOU!” 

As stupid as it sounds, James swears that, in that exact moment, time seemed to suddenly stop.  
Beat. 

Aleks’ pale face stared back at him, his eyes wide and pained.

Beat.

James wasn’t even aware he was soaked to the bone anymore.

Beat. 

If he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up before, he sure as hell did now. 

For a minute or two, the only sound between them was the shower once again. Aleks was visibly shaking again, whether it be from fear or the alcohol or cold water, James didn’t know.

And, suddenly, he didn’t care. 

Aleks’ mouth was half open as if he wanted to say something but kept changing his mind. Despite the freezing temperature, James’ skin felt like it was on fire, burning him alive. He found himself dropping his grip from the door handle and reaching towards the faucet to slide it down slowly, turning the water off. Aleks’ heavy breathing was audible now, unsteady and shallow and filling James’ head before he could stop it. James stared blankly at the glass door for a moment, trying to find the strength to not wither up and die right there on the shower floor. 

“Get out of my way.” Shitty fucking time for his voice to break. 

Aleks remained motionless for a moment, as if still comprehending his voice. He turned and pushed the door open with his hand, stumbling forward quickly to give him room. James’ blood was rushing through his ears, stepping forward slowly. Aleks was as soaked as he was, dripping steadily onto the floor as he watched him, jumping violently as James slammed the door behind him. 

“When?” Aleks sniffled in response, his face scrunching up miserably. James stared at the wall opposite him, waiting as Aleks straightened himself up a bit to his left. 

“My birthday party.” Another violent pain, feeling his heart being ripped out just a little bit more. “It was...it was after all the shots, when I disappeared for awhile and you were wandering around the house looking for me.” Bile was beginning to rise in his throat, sour and poisonous on his tongue. “I didn’t mean to do it, I swear to God I di-”

“Don’t.” James cut him off abruptly and Aleks visibly faltered into the wall behind him, shutting his mouth instantly. There was another deadly silence, and then suddenly the air in the room was suffocating him. He looked at the door and immediately walked out, feeling his body beginning to tremble as it did. 

“James? James, babe, please…” The mere sight of their bed made James want to vomit all over himself, and he felt his heart rate increase as he swallowed thickly and all but ran out of there, vision blurring from both sheer anger and tears. Aleks’ heavy and uneven steps were just behind him; James could hear his hands running against the wall for support. 

James spun the corner to the staircase, his hands clenched into fists as his side. He needed to hit something, to break something, to do literally anything to make it feel like he wasn’t drowning in white hot rage. 

He caught first glance of the kitchen as soon as he got to the foyer, turning on his heel and ignoring the way he could hear Aleks stumble on the tile. He caught sight of the nearly empty bottle of Crown that Aleks had left earlier on the counter, immediately making a beeline for it. He didn’t really care where he threw it, exactly; just needed it to be something hard enough to shatter it. He grabbed the bottle by the neck and raised his arm back to launch it at the wall, stopping in his tracks as soon as he caught sight of a dark blue velvet box that had been hiding right behind it. 

James’ mind had gone blank; he could barely hear Aleks stumble in a few seconds later, his hand hitting the counter loudly for support. 

James stared at the box, his heart pounding against his chest like it was threatening to escape. His palms were sweating against the glass bottle, feeling it starting to slip as Aleks came into his peripheral vision on the left, standing in front of him and reaching forward to grab the box. 

“I didn’t...you weren’t...this wasn’t for you to see yet…” Aleks blinked down at the small box, frowning deeply at it for a moment before tilting his head back up to look at James again, his cheeks flushed bright red from both the alcohol and the sheer horror of this entire goddamn situation. James physically couldn’t move even if he wanted to. He wasn’t even sure he was breathing at this point, just staring back at Aleks in a blank sort of way. 

Aleks didn’t seem to be handling the silence well; he shifted uncomfortably in his spot, eyes darting between James’ face and the bottle still ready to be launched out of his hands. After a moment, he reached forward and grabbed for it, successfully pulling it from his grip and setting it on the counter, his fingers lingering slightly before he slowly pulled his hand back, where he began fidgeting with the box once more. 

In the time it took to do this, James had three things run through his mind.

One: it finally hit him that, yes, Aleksandr had cheated on him. He had actually slept with someone else, in their own house, right under his nose.

Two: Aleksandr had this ring in his hands right now, one that he thought would actually redeem himself and make this entire situation okay again.

And three: James was pretty goddamn positive that the horrible, God awful feeling in his chest was definitely a broken fucking heart.

James could still hear Aleks’ shaky breathing as he raised his palms to his face and rubbed at his eyes, something he felt like he’d done more in the past few months than his entire lifetime. He let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head slowly before dropping them again, going right back to staring Aleks down, running his tongue across his lower lip before finally speaking.

“You really fucking thought proposing was going to fix everything, didn’t you?” Aleks seemed stunned by his voice; James was actually smirking at him, in a disgusted sort of way, his voice calm and even and everything it wasn’t supposed to be. James could see the gears in his head force themselves to work, trying to process what to say to that. 

“I just...no, no I didn’t think...of course not…” He was squirming beneath his gaze and James merely kept it up, refusing to break eye contact. “I...this was bought before that happened, I promise...I just didn’t have...I didn’t know the right time to ask…” His words were becoming less slurred but James could almost taste the sheer fear in them now. “And I know you don’t...you don’t like Christmas that much, and I wanted to make it special, so I thought I was ready. I came down here, and I had the box and I told myself...one drink to steady the nerves. Just one.” He paused here, as if James would suddenly try and interrupt and tell him that it’s okay, you messed up, you’re forgiven. 

James merely stared at him some more in silence, watching Aleks’ face crumble slightly before clearing his throat a bit and continuing.

“Well...I had one. And then in my fucking brain, I started thinking about the party. I thought about you finding me on the bathroom floor, and taking me to the bed and making sure I was okay and how I was fucking lying to you the whole time, the entire goddamn time because I didn’t ever tell you the truth, and I felt myself begin to get scared again so I poured another glass and drank, and nothing was working and I felt like I was going to panic…” He was rambling now, getting louder as he went on and James really didn’t want to hear him speak anymore. Frankly, anything he said wasn’t going to sway him. “That’s why I started, every time I saw you I felt guilty and sick and the only thing that could help it was the alc-”

“Stop talking, Aleksandr.” Aleks blinked, his mouth slightly open as he failed to finish his sentence. He stared at James painfully, his right hand clenched around the blue box so tightly that his knuckles were white. James averted his eyes, feeling himself growing more and more sick as he looked at Aleks’ face. 

James really doesn’t know why he did it. He kept his gaze locked on the floor and then, for some reason, found himself holding his hand out to Aleks, silently asking for the box. Aleks hesitated, giving it a few seconds before finally deciding to, lifting his arm and setting it down in James’ palm. He brought it to his chest, staring down at it as his body was screaming at him to stop, to take the stupid thing and fling it across the room but his mind was already intent on opening it. Just one glance wouldn’t hurt. 

He slid his thumb across the front and pushed the lid up gently, swallowing back a shaky sigh as he glanced at the shiny, beautiful silver band, a small row of tiny diamonds sitting perfectly in the middle. He felt himself getting nauseous again, and the fucked up part of his brain was telling him to put it on his finger. 

It’s perfectly made for you, James. 

He bought it out of love for you, James. 

He wants to spend the rest of his life with you, James.

He cheated on you after 3 years, James. 

He slammed the box shut quickly, getting a jump from Aleks. The feeling of the velvet against his hand was suddenly terrifying and he set it back down on the counter, dropping his hands to his side as silence filled the room once more.

And, really...there was nothing else to say. James suddenly felt very, very sad. 

He tapped his finger lightly on the side of his leg, feeling Aleks boring holes into his skull with the intense gaze he had on him. 

James took a deep breath, feeling every single emotion in his body at once.

“I want you out by tomorrow morning. I don’t care where you go...I don’t care what you do anymore.” He lifted his head, knowing there were tears in his eyes but not stopping to care as he stared Aleks dead in the eye. “I never, ever want to see you again.” 

James didn’t stop to gauge his reaction. He was fleeing the room before he Aleks could even breathe in response, as if the kitchen were going to collapse on him if he stayed any longer. James hurried past the stairs, not wanting to go anywhere near their bedroom and instead diverted to one of the guest rooms down the hall. He could hear Aleks behind him, panic dripping from his voice.

“James...James, stop. This isn’t fucking funny, let me talk to you, please…” James grabbed the handle and swung the door open, running inside and slamming it shut behind him before locking it. Aleks was there a few seconds later, knocking rapidly on the door. 

“You don’t mean that, James. I know you don’t, please open the door, let me in…” James hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time, but this sudden avalanche of emotions was threatening to drown him at any moment. With his back to the door, he slid down slowly and tried to control his breathing, sitting down on the floor as Aleks kept hitting the door, his voice rising in both fear and pitch. 

“I love you James, you know I fucking love you, just PLEASE let me in!” James felt the urge to throw up once again, bringing his knees up to his chest before lowering his head between them, closing his eyes and trying to breathe through the awful pain in his chest.

And suddenly, all at once, he just started to cry. 

He doesn’t remember ever crying as hard as he did that night, nor does he think he’ll ever cry that hard again. Everything Aleks had put him through the past few months just came out in a wave, every pent up emotion he’d been holding in and every comment he’d failed to make. His arms were wrapped around his knees, his face buried in his thighs as he sobbed, gasping for air in between his cries.

He’d really been lied to. Aleksandr had fucked someone else, in their own goddamn house, and didn’t think to tell James at all. 

Aleks heard him, pausing momentarily on the knocking before he started banging anxiously on the floor, his palms hitting the wood with loud smacks. 

“Don’t do this to me, James! Don’t throw this away! I fucked up everything but I can fix it!” Aleks’ panic had turned into crying as well, pleading and messy as he sniffled in between breaths. “You’re my everything, James, my fucking everything and I don’t know what to do without you!” James whimpered, burying his face back into his pants in an attempt to muffle it before Aleks kept going.

“James, that ring is yours! Just come back out and let me put it on you, please...we can get married and live together happily ever after, this is what we always talked about, what we always wanted…” 

He wanted to open the door, he really did. He could see himself flinging it open and pulling Aleks into his arms, could see the two of them crying into each other’s hair and wouldn’t that just be so simple? He would go back into the kitchen and let Aleks put that beautiful fucking ring on his finger and things would be okay again if he just let this one slide, if he just forgave Aleks for this. 

James never got off the floor. He let Aleks pound on the door for hours, the two of them crying on either side of a wooden door until he passed out, because he knew, deep down, his happily ever after no longer contained Aleks.

And after that night, James never saw Aleks again. 

When he woke up the next morning, still on the carpet floor, Aleks’ stuff was gone from their room. James later heard he went to rehab somewhere in Beverly Hills for 3 months.

Ein was just as lost as her dad, wandering around the house looking for Mishka and she didn’t really realize her friend wasn’t coming back for a little while. It hurt James to watch. Finally, after a month, she seemed to get the memo and one night decided to started sleeping on Aleks’ side of the bed instead of the bottom. James cried for an hour. 

A few months later in June, on James’ birthday, he received a card in the mail without a return address. It contained a generic birthday card, no written message, and Aleks’ old house key. 

The following Christmas, James woke up to a Facebook post Aleks was tagged in. He was at his dad’s house, smiley and happy and much healthier than James had remembered. He’d gained weight again and his hair was his natural dark brown color, grinning into the camera with pure joy.

As he swiped through the pictures, he caught sight of his arms around a pretty blonde girl. She was happy and small and gorgeous and everything James wasn’t. They’d have beautiful babies.

When he got to the last picture, he saw Aleks knelt in front of her, on one knee, her face painted into a image of pure shock, her blue eyes wide and her hands covering her mouth. The caption read, “Aleks saved the best present for last!” Everyone was crowded around them, all with the same pleased, shocked expression that the girl wore on her own face. You could almost feel the joy reverberating off the screen.

James didn’t really care about the rest of the picture; all he could stare at was the box in Aleks’ hands.

The one that held the ring full of promise and love to this girl.

The one that was about to change her life forever.

The one that was small, and velvet, and blue.

**Author's Note:**

> well that was fun! fuck aleksandr, am i right???
> 
> my twitter is @playthetyrants if you ever wanna come yell at me there, as well as uberhaxorslut on tumblr.
> 
> roast me in the comments, please.
> 
> ALSO if you feel so inclined, my ko-fi is here :) https://www.ko-fi.com/playthetyrants


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